Colonel Thomson:
In keeping with Airborne policy to maintain a force of the best and the brightest, we have discovered a number of personel who do not meet that qualification. To put it bluntly, they are dumbfucks. To put it even more bluntly, they have been trained in elite killing techniques, which means that they are now probably sociopathic dumbfucks.
We are at a loss as to what to do with them, so we are giving them to you. You are to take these men and assemble them into the Tactically Abridged Response Detail, or T.A.R.D. Make us proud, Colonel.
General Jim Ehrman
Airborne Command
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Colonel Thomson's Command Log
Entry 21/07/07
What have I gotten myself into. I have 22 men who take best of three tries to get their pants on, and I've given up on getting them to put the fly in front. One of the men decided to keep his lunch for later, soup--in his helmet, on his head. They have taken to greeting me with the words "Who do we kill today, sir!", and it takes a few minutes to get the message across that we aren't killing anyone today, thank you. This is always a disappointment to the troops.
My troops are somewhat... idiosyncratic. Pvt. Robert Hadley believes his gun is a club, which he uses, I must admit, with some effect, being 7'2" and 350 pounds. Pvt. Harry Richards wants a bigger gun, always a bigger gun, that makes a bigger boom. Pvt. Jim Franklin keeps asking me who the enemy is, and points to random people and asks whether they're the enemy. What if one day he thinks I'm the enemy? Blanks all around. Pvt. John Crews was a dart champion back home, and prefers throwing knives--and grenades. And Pvt. Billy Anderson is a superb marksman who can strip down, clean, and reassemble his gun in less than a minute, but loud noises freak him out, and he cowers and screams after the first shot.
My cup runneth over.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Colonel Thomson:
As most of our troops are over there, you are the only fighting force in the vicinity. We have a hostage situation at a nearby convention center which requires an immediate response. Get you men over to the Crown Plaza Hotel, ASAP.
General Jim Ehrman
Airborne Command
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Colonel Thomson's Command Log
Entry 10/09/07
We arrived two blocks from the hotel, but there were logistical problems. Specifically, Pvts Haydn, Kowalchuk, and Turner spotted a Pizza Pizza, and decided they wanted lunch. It turned out to be easier just to let them have it. Twenty minutes and $85 dollars later, we headed for the hotel. I was able to prevent Franklin from shooting suspicious traffic by having Hadley carry him most of the way.
Our orders were to open with negotiations, but Hadley had an unusual interpretation on the concept, and bludgeoned the man who came out to meet us into a bloody pulp. Shots came at us from the hotel, although I think they were aiming for Hadley's head, which I suspect is made of granite. Phillips returned fire, Harrelson shot Phillips, and I shot Harrelson. Franklin correctly identified the enemy and took one out, which clued the rest of the squad into the general idea. And then it happened.
Who the hell gave Richards the goddamn ROCKET LAUNCHER?!? It took out the lobby, the elevators, and most of the facade. It also, as it turned out, took out the terrorists, except for one that I found Hadley playing with later. Not a pretty sight. Fortunately the hostages were all in the room in the basement. They lived. We lost only Phillips and Harrelson. Hadley had a few dents in his face, which faded quickly, but was otherwise unperturbed. Billy Anderson cowered and screamed through the whole thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Colonel Thomson:
My congratulations again on your last mission but we need more of your special services. Another terrorist squad has taken control of the city police station on Nelson Street. Be warned that the terrorists are also dressed as cops. It will take great skill to pull this off, and save the real cops. Good luck, Colonel.
General Jim Ehrman
Airborne Command
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Colonel Thomson's Command Log
Entry 24/09/07
I should have never told them that their first priority was to keep me safe. I figured this would mean that I would be safe to command them and prevent things from going south. I never considered that this would convince them to throw me in a dumpster, close the lid, and put an engine block on it. As it was, I spent the whole damn mission in the dark, up to my waist in garbage.
It tried to run things through the radio, but they were all shouting, and someone was reciting Dr. Seuss between auto-bursts. All I could hear was gunfire and screaming. When it all went quiet, and they took me out of the dumpster, they told me they couldn't find any cops.
As it turns out, there were no terrorists. How the hell was I supposed to know that General Ehrman was on psych leave? I didn't get the memo. So my T.A.R.D.s wiped out a real police station. Only took two casualties. It almost makes me proud.
And Richards is damn good with a rocket launcher.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Colonel Thomson:
In keeping with the indeterminate status of yourself and your T.A.R.D.s, we have decided that a more discreet assignment may be in order. It has come to our attention that an exchange will be happening in northern Pakistan between Al Quaeda and rogue members of the Pakistani military, which may involve nuclear materials. We want you to stop this.
As you will be in Pakistan, we will deny any involvement. Nor will any extraction be available. You are welcome to take whatever you can there, but understand that you are on your own, and must be considered expendable. We urge you to make your own arrangement afterwards, but you may not return here.
Colonel Daniel Stiller
Black Ops
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Colonel Thomson's Command Log
Entry 12/02/08
Well, I'm screwed. At least we get the pick of whatever equipment we want. Hadley never fires his gun, so fuck it, I got him a battle axe. He loves it. I got Richards an even bigger rocket launcher, three of them, in fact. The rest got everything they wanted, and plenty of it.
We got dropped about ten miles from the site, and made our way quietly there. Hadley and Crews came in real handy here; knives and a battle axe don't make a lot of noise, so perimeter security was not a problem. We got to the site with about an hour to spare, and I kept watch over the ridge. Below was a cave with a lot of men milling about expectantly.
Not long after, a truck could be seen approaching, and below a man came out with a large suitcase, accompanied by another guy who was obviously in charge. I looked through the binoculars, and I'll be fucked if it wasn't Bin Laden.
I didn't give the order, but Richards picks up his first rocket launcher and nails the truck while its still a hundred yards out. Hadley roars and runs over the ridge, swinging his battle axe, and he's all they can see, so they start shooting at him. I figure he'll go down in a hail of bullets, but all they manage to do is annoy him, which is not a good thing to do to a sociopathic dumbfuck in a roid rage. Franklin has figured out who the enemy is by now, and he gets in on the action. Bin Laden was walking towards the approaching truck, which is now a flaming wreck, so he goes for another truck parked nearby, which Richards sends into a triple backflip half-twist with another rocket, knocking Bin Laden on his ass. Men start pouring out of the cave to help him, and all my team starts firing. Crews switches to grenades, which don't seem to bother Hadley, but causes considerable inconvenience to his opponents.
It is at this point that Billy stops screaming and works out the source of the problem.
He calms right the fuck down, gets a glint in his eye that would pierce six inches of steel plate, and starts picking them off, one shot every second, each one an instant kill. When Bin Laden starts to go for the cave mouth, Billy gets a bolt of inspiration and takes out his legs, so men keep pouring out of the cave to help him, and now all my men are in on the turkey shoot, while Hadley keeps swinging his axe.
When they stop coming out, Hadley goes into the cave. He's done in about five minutes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank Thomson's Diary
Cancun, Mexico
Nice little hotel, nice town. We bought both. There was $30 million in the suitcase, and another $15 million in the cave. We collected $50 million for the bounty on Bin Laden, and another $10 million for what was left of the bomb in the truck. The bag man who collected the packages seemed to be waffling on the deal, but Billy gave him THE LOOK. We got paid in full.
Things are good. The T.A.R.D.s have taken a liking to the people here, and don't like anyone messing with them. The local standard of living has improved considerably. Some banditos tried to move in on us, because they heard we were loaded. We are; locked and loaded. Franklin spotted them a mile away. Billy has a very nice gun now. They didn't last long. Billy's very calm these days. He's got it all figured out.
And Hadley is our doorman. Security is not an issue.
